When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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