Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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