Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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