You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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