I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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