Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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