I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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