I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
