well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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