mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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