youre lurking in front of me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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