I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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