Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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