when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
