I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize