My hair reeks of homosexuality.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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