Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
