just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I wish there were birth control emojis
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
