my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
