i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
40s are totally the cure
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I pour the whiskey from now on
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
