youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
