my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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