i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
