he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
