I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
