Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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