This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize