Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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