I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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