My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Acid is not a monday night drug
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
