my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
