Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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