I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Bring me that man meat
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
