its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
