it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
