I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
