I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
