As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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