Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize