I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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