Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
