Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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