His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
