quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
