Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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