My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
