Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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