Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I intend to get homeless drunk
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
