There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
