you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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