Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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