I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
