i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
