i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
