he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
