My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
