bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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