i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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